Maternity Leave SOLDIER Style
by XPyromaniacxDestinyX
Summary: When Sephiroth thinks he has the flu, he finds out that it's not quite the flu, but something much worse. That's right; He's PREGNANT. CRACK-HUMOR Zack X Sephiroth Sort of Don't judge by the description... It's much better than it sounds.
1. The Quest for the Father

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style **

**Chapter One**

**The Quest for the... father?**

The symptoms had been similar to the flu, and therefore Sephiroth felt he had an excuse as to why he hadn't realized sooner what was really plaguing him. The nurse had even said that it was, most likely, only a case of the flu though the great SOLDIER had never before caught a cold. In fact he was almost certain that it was genetically impossible for him to become ill, however odd that was.

Still, he had never seen the horrible twist of fate that was, in fact, not a cruel joke coming. No, nothing would have prepared him for the (NOT joyous) moment he learned that he was… pregnant?

The scream killed a person, or so Sephiroth had heard the next day. He wasn't quite sure how Hojo had come to that conclusion upon only giving him a once over, but Hojo was Hojo and there was no questioning his authority.

And so came the task of going over the (lengthy) list of people whom Sephiroth could ever recall having "sexual relations" with. He snorted at the mere word like a grade-schooler (yes, he is so mature) and began to cross off names that he knew were not connected to his unfortunate situation. The list was long, but then again it was double spaced. Then _again_ there were names in those double-spaces. Not that he was a whore, or anything of that sort. Well, mostly anyway. He supposed that he could have figured out that none of the woman had anything to do with it, since, well; it would have been the other way around. That made the list shorter, though not by all that much. He labeled each encounter with a "C" or a "NC" though most had a "C" luckily for Sephiroth. The few that did have a "NC" were only that, a few. He could probably go harass the people about it but then he realized that maybe it'd be best not to spread around such a rumor about himself. Instead, he studied the list until his eyes felt like they'd fall out.

After vigorously looking over the names, three remained. He wished it was two, but no it was three;

Z.F.

R.S.

Reno

Sephiroth felt it didn't need to be hid that he had tapped Reno. Who hadn't honestly?!

Still, he could probably make R.S. to keep his mouth shut about it but at the same time he feared that he could not. Z.F. was not someone he liked to think about as being the father of anything. He was, The Puppy, after all. He was so immature when it came to delicate things like pregnancy that Sephiroth doubted he would find it odd that he, Sephiroth, a man, was pregnant. He would hold off that encounter for as long as he could. Last was Reno, and he was easy to persuade to keep his mouth shut.

"Hey, Reno." It might not have been the most inconspicuous approach but it worked nonetheless. The redheaded Turk was sitting in the lounge area designed for the Turks and them alone, not that anyone objected to Sephiroth entering. Not unless that anyone wanted to stay alive. "I think you're the father of my child."

Tseng, across the room, spit out his coffee. He stared blankly at the counter and just continued to stare. Reno looked up, half asleep, and let the words sink in. As they did so his eyes grew in size, coming to the realization. "What?" he asked, yawning lazily.

"I think. That you. Are. The Father. Of. My. Child." Sephiroth reiterated. Reno stared back at him, his mouth adjacent and his eyes had that far off look they got whenever he wasn't really awake, nor listening, but his eyes somehow managed to stay open.

"I think you broke him." Rude piped up, sitting beside Reno and calmly drinking coffee. He had the paper open and was reading an article on cloning.

Elena was holding back laughter. "He's heard it so many times but never from someone so important!" She laughed out loud. "He's really in for it, now!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Tseng snapped, whirling around. "Sephiroth," he pointed, "You. Are. A. MAN."

Sephiroth sent an icy glare across the break room. "_That's what I thought_." He hissed. Tseng shut his mouth and continued to stare at that counter blankly.

"Reno." Rude said, stoically of course. "Reno. Reno. Reno." He used so much of the same tone that Sephiroth almost felt like looking for the tape recorder playing the same thing over and over again. "Reno."

"I GET IT ALREADY, YO!" Reno screamed, his hair seemingly standing on end. "What the heeell?!" His face was as red as his hair, though not as silky.

Sephiroth grew sick of the charade and grabbed Reno by his collar, hoisting him up quite a good height. "ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT THE FATHER OF MY CHILD." It was not a question. It was a demand.

"No." Reno squeaked. "That's, erm, not possible because erm… well… ah! I know, we didn't do it like _that_. We did it like _that other way._"

Sephiroth was not amused by the idiot. "EXPLAIN."

"Well, you see, we didn't, erm," he paused to coughed and clear his throat. "Cause', well, we… I never, ugh, 'entered' you, yo?"

Sephiroth's face turned redder than the innocent Turk had and dropped him. He grunted in pain and straightened out his jacket. "Wait, what is this about?"

Sephiroth glared at him. "If you spread around anything about me I will kill you. Not just you, Reno. EVERYONE."

No one made a peep, not even Reno for once, but Sephiroth swore he heard a sob from Tseng. Whatever that meant.

Next on his list was R.S, he supposed, though he really didn't want to confront him. For two main reasons; 1. How would he react? And 2. He was the VICE-PRESIDENT OF SHIN-RA. That's right, Rufus Shinra. And before you ask "WOW Sephiroth EVEN DID HIM??" The answer is, "Duh."

Rufus was supposedly away on business, but he was really just taking a "vacation" at his manor. So that was where he had to go, whether he wanted to or not. Walking was so boring though, so he simply ordered Tseng to arrange a helicopter.

"What for?" Tseng asked when he called.

"A mission."

"I don't recall hearing about it from the President-"

"It's such an important mission he didn't want to tell you, okay?"

"…Are you –"

"JUST DO IT."

"Okay…"

When he arrived, he almost choked. Not because he was nervous about confronting Rufus, but that when he arrived at Rufus's _room_ he found something rather interesting. Rather, heard first. What he wished he hadn't.

"Great, he's _busy._" Sephiroth said, face-palming and wondering what he could do now. Wait? Come back? Get in loads of trouble by throwing a huge party at the Shin-Ra manor? _NO WAIT, FOCUS._ He told himself.

Just as he stood, contemplating what to do, he heard something slam against the door and then the door be opened, mysteriously. The couple tumbled out onto the floor, scaring Sephiroth enough that he reached for Masamune at his side. "Ow!" A woman shrieked, and a man's voice grunted a reply.

A wide smile grew upon Sephiroth's lips as he looked down upon Rufus, who was currently beneath the woman. "Hey there, Rufus." He greeted, waving.

His face drained of color and he threw the woman off of him, onto the ground beside him and stood up, straightening out his… well, nothing since he wasn't wearing anything. At all. Sephiroth wolf-whistled, the grin spreading wider across his lips. "So, what's up…?"

"What do you want, Sephiroth?" He hissed. Sephiroth only grinned until he realized, with what became a grim realization, that he was naked. Stark-naked at that. "…oh hell."

_This is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire lifetime._ He thought. _I will never forget it._ He examined the man. "Hey, you're not that bad looking underneath that suit, either."

"Shut up!" He commanded. "And bring me some clothes."

"Why me?"

"You're a SOLDIER, aren't you?"

"…Okay, I'll find you something to wear." Sephiroth returned with a sleek, blood-red dress. "Here you go."

"…Sephiroth. That is _not_ what I was wearing."

"Yeah but I couldn't find anything else. What'd you do with it, anyway?"

"…I hate you with words unspeakable in this Fanfiction." He slid on the dress, which Sephiroth conceded worked on him, but not out loud since he was still reveling in the fact that he got to see Rufus naked and embarrassed. Who ELSE could say that? Well, maybe Reno but… he'd rather not think of that.

"Now what do you want." Rufus snapped, arms crossed angrily over his chest. "It better be important."

"I think you're the father of my child."

The hooker burst out laughing so hard that she fell back onto the ground from her recent position standing, though also naked she seemed to have no shame. Then again, she was a HOOKER. What had Sephiroth expected? "I knew you were a queer!" She shouted. "You're paying me anyway."

Rufus glared back at the woman. "Dismissed."

"Wait, my payment!" She protested. Rufus threw his wallet at her. "Take it ALL. I don't care."

"Teehee, I hit the jackpot tonight! Even if it was poor sex, I got paid enough to make up for it. See ya, Rufy! Oh, and you can keep the dress! I have spares in my car."

Rufus turned back to Sephiroth, face redder than before. "Did you really just accuse me of being the father of your… child?"

"Yes, I did. Now tell me; ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT THE FATHER OF MY CHILD."

"How could I be? See, I know this may be hard for a mere SOLDIER such as yourself to grasp, but I have a condition that keeps me from ever impregnating another woman. Or… man." He added, still unsure of how all of it had come about.

Sephiroth bit his tongue. "You're infertile?"

"Unfortunately." He said, truly, genuinely embarrassed though hiding it the best he could. "Now can you leave me be?"

"Yeah, sorry Shinra. But now I have dirt on you and if you tell anyone about me, I tell about you. Understand?"

Rufus nodded and walked back into the room, cleaning up the "mess". Sephiroth left promptly but it wasn't until he was in the helicopter and in the air did he realize, "HOLY FUCKING GAIA THAT MEANS THAT IT'S ZAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!"

* * *

**Erm, should this be rated M? He only says the "F-word" once and well… Rufus is naked/in a dress (PFFFFFTTTTLOL) and the hooker thing…**

**Also, sorry for the sad-ness-ish part with Rufus but it seemed plausible and legit, ya know?**

**Anywho, there'll be an explanation for Sephiroth's "Pregnancy" later, and it actually kinda… works? I know, WTF but Mpreg is not something I regularly do. But this is a crack-fic anyway.**

**AND LOLOLOLOLOLOL Zack. That's all I'll say about the last part.**

**Final Fantasy © Square Enix (If I owned it. This would be canon.)**


	2. Zack is an Idiot

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 2**

**Zack is an Idiot**

"Okay, Sephy, pull it together." He slapped himself in the cheek. "You can do it!" He said, then began to sob. "I can't do it."

Currently, the silver-haired man was standing in front of his mirror, half-dressed from just taking a shower, and trying to figure out how he was going to explain the situation to Zack. Also, that he needed more Shampoo. But that was besides the case, and totally not related to this Fanfiction in any way. But LOL FYI he uses a whole bottle every time. ANYWAY.

"Zack, I have something very important to tell you." Sephiroth practiced, keeping a straight face the best he could. "Damn, I sound like an infomercial. 'I'm pregnant!" He shouted at the top of his lungs like that annoying commercial, "and for a limited time only you can get two for the price of oooone!"

He felt so ridiculous that he had just made a joke about his situation that he was certain he'd fallen even deeper into his depression than before. He held back a sob. "Focus." He told himself. "Zack, I'm pregnant." He paused. "It's sounds so ridiculous!" He whined, "He'll probably think I'm joking if I'm too blunt… 'Zack, this isn't a joke. I'm pregnant.'" He mulled it over. "Now it makes it sound even MORE like a joke… hmm… 'Zack, listen carefully because I won't repeat myself.' Now I sound like a stupid teacher. Or his mom." He shuddered. Zack's mother was an entity to be feared. And now that he thought about it, how the HELL was Zack supposed to tell them?

"Hey mom, I banged a guy and now he's prego. See ya LATER," was probably not going to go over too well. Though Sephiroth would pay to see her expression, he didn't want to be there when he broke the news to her. Not one bit. He wasn't related to her, so she might actually kill him. Hell, she's almost killed Zack too many times to count. Who knows if she'd hold back against a pregnant, unrelated man?

"I got off track again…" He muttered. He growled. "Never mind! I'll just tell him face to face and man to… pregnant man… Oh God…"

Sephiroth had caught up to him in the reception lobby of the Shin-Ra building, flirting with the receptionist. _Wonderful._ He thought acidicly. _The father of my child is busy flirting while I have a crisis._

"…so he was like, 'Zack you did NOT just do Sephiroth,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I totally did,' and then Angeal was like-"

"Zack." He grabbed the man's arm, whirling him around.

Zack was grinning like the idiot he was, "What?" He asked. "I'm in the middle of a conversation."

The receptionist was red and staring at Sephiroth. He didn't know what lines Zack was using but they seemed effective. He turned back to Zack, yanking him away from the counter. "Listen, we need to talk."

"Right _now?_" Zack whined. "I'm about to score big!"

"Zack, I am _pregnant._ That is only a little more important than that, don't you agree, _daddy?_"

Zack's face turned into a stone. It did not move, did not blink, did not even register any emotions at all. He just stared off into the lobby. Sephiroth sighed heavily. "Great, the father of my child is broken. What do I do _now?_"

"Haaaaaa…" was the first noise that emitted from Zack's lifeless corpse. "Haaaaa…."

Sephiroth stared at him, raising an eyebrow. "Zack?"

"Haa…" He whimpered. Suddenly, he sprang to life, "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" He basically screamed, causing numerous people to jump out of his way as he laughed like a maniac. "YOU'RE SO FUNNY, SEPHY!" He slammed his hand down on his shoulder. "Ahh, you almost had me."

"Zack. That was not a joke, nor would it have been a funny one had it been a joke." Sephiroth explained calmly, taking Zack's hand off his shoulder. "I am not kidding."

Zack stared at him, though not the blank monster-like stare he had before, more of a, "Nyoro~n?" look. "I don't follow." He said innocently.

Sephiroth sighed heavily yet again. "Zack. Let me say this slowly so you might understand the urgency of this situation. I. Am. Pregnant. You… are the father."

"But…but…but!" Zack protested, "I can't! It's not! But! Sephy! You're a _man._" Zack pointed out, as if he had just stated the best argument of his life. Like a lawyer who had just used the best piece of evidence he could.

"Yes, Zack, I know that. Or at least, so I had thought before Hojo declared me pregnant." Sephiroth replied, seemingly breaking Zack's innocence. "You are the only person who can be the father. Believe me."

"But…" Zack whimpered. "I… don't believe you!" He shouted suddenly, pointing his finger. "You're tricking me!" He declared. "I went through sex-ED, I would know!"

"Zack, calm down." Sephiroth said. "You're attracting attention." A SOLDIER in a purple-uniform was staring at the couple intensely. "From odd people whose attention we do not wish to attract."

"Oh, hey Kunsel!" Zack greeted. But the man had already disappeared. "Huh, wonder where he went."

"FOCUS!" Sephiroth screamed, slapping him.

Zack turned back to him, tears in his eyes. "That wasn't necessary, you know!"

"Do you understand the severity of the situation right now, Zack?" He asked, holding him by the shoulders. "Do you?"

"Uhhhh. Yes." Zack replied. "You are pregnant and I am the father. Got it."

"…you're just repeating hollow words, aren't you?"

"Yes!" He said cheerfully. "Now, what did you really want to tell me?"

Honestly, Sephiroth knew it would be hard to make the idiot of his friend understand the facts, but he really hadn't thought it would _this hard._ "Alright, Zack. For about the seventeenth time now, let's do this again."

"Okay, I'm ready." Zack said, bracing himself.

"I am pregnant." He paused. "Are you following me so far?"

"I guess."

"Good. Now, you, Zack Fair, the First Class SOLDIER, are the father. Good so far?"

"I think you lost me. So, you're trying to tell me that even though it is genetically impossible that you are pregnant and that I am the responsible party?"

"Yes."

"…I don't get it."

"YOU FUCKED ME, I AM PREGNANT WITH A CHILD, AND YOU, ZACK FAIR THE IDIOT, ARE THE FUCKING FATHER!" Sephiroth screamed at the very top of his lungs. "DO YOU GET IT _NOW?!_"

Zack nodded mutely. "Yes… I think I get it. And so does everyone else in the lobby."

Sephiroth looked around and then face-palmed when he realized that more than one person he knew and would spread around the rumor of not only the rumor that he had, indeed, had (hot) gay-sex with his best friend, Zack Fair, but that indeed he was pregnant and that, Yessiree, the father was none other than the aforementioned best friend.

"I fucking hate my life."

* * *

**I'unno, should it be M? Whatever.**

**And yes, this WHOLE chapter was dedicated to convincing Zack that he is the father of the child. THAT is how stupid he can be.**

**Sorry, I might not be able to submit a lot of chapters, my internet is being FUNKY. I have most of this fic done, actually. xD Over the course of 3 days? XD**

**Motivation? I'unno if I can think of more chapters of stupidty.**


	3. Clones

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 3**

**Clones**

As Sephiroth led Zack through the halls of the dormitory for SOLDIER, Zack was bombarding him with questions in which Sephiroth found that he alarmingly had no answer for. "Look." He hissed, turning around. "I don't know."

"But it's soooo weird!" Zack protested. "We need to find out more."

"You're right." Sephiroth decided. "Let's go find Hojo."

"Eww!" Zack said. "Why Hojo? Why not… anyone else but him? Even Rufus?"

"No, Hojo."

"…Damnit."

"Hojo, we need to talk AND GODDAMNIT EVERY TIME I TRY TO TALK TO SOMEONE THEY ARE DOING SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!" Sephiroth screamed once he had entered the laboratory and noticed what was going on. He covered his eyes. "Dear Gaia."

Zack, beside him, was wishing he was able to cover his eyes, but his arms were limp and his brain more fried than when Sephiroth had told him of their situation. "I… I…s… is that… ME?!" He screamed, wishing he could do anything to get the image from his mind. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

Hojo was grinning creepily as he slinked off the Zack-look-alike. He wasn't fully clothed, but thank God he was wearing pants. "Why hello there, boys!" He greeted, grinning as he usually was. He placed his glasses back on his nose and smiled as if nothing was amiss. "What brings you two here?"

"…Um, Hojo?" Zack whimpered. "Why is there a clone of me? And why were you… um-"

"Hojo." Sephiroth cut in. "Why were you fucking Zack?"

"Oh, that." Hojo chuckled. "I got bored. He performs well, you know. With all the data I got on him from having him do all of those fights and whatnot."

"But why me?!" Zack whined.

Hojo grinned. "What can I say? SOLDIER 1st Class turn me on. And you, my friend, are extremely sexy."

Zack whimpered unintelligible phrases and wished to slink out of the room, but Sephiroth grabbed his collar. "This involves you too, you Sexy SOLDIER 1st Class, you."

Zack twitched. "Oh Gaia…"

"Hojo." Sephiroth addressed the man. "I want an explanation. Now."

"For what?" He asked innocently, sitting down and calling the clone over to sit on his lap. Zack sobbed heavily and whimpering something like, "Why meee….?"

Sephiroth drew Masamune from his side and pointed it at Hojo's throat. "You know what." He hissed.

"Okay, okay!" Hojo held up his hands. "Just don't damage the clone, please."

Sephiroth shivered but continued nonetheless. "Explain to me how it is even relatively possible that I am pregnant."

"It's simple, really." Hojo began, adjusting his glasses and slinging his arm around the clones waist. The clone giggled and Zack let out yet another noise of disgust. "See, when you were born… you were a woman. But your mother dreamed that you would be a hero... and well, you know, I couldn't let the poor woman down,"

"You've let a lot of people down." Zack interjected.

"What?" Hojo asked, stroking the cheek of the clone. "Did you say something?"

"N-No…" He uttered in disgust. "I feel violated just watching this…"

Sephiroth snickered quietly and returned to his question. "So you changed me into a man. How the fuck did you do that?"

"I'm a scientist! Experimentation is what I DO. And besides, you were really flat-chested. Even as a baby."

Sephiroth wished he had never heard that and changed the subject. "But I… have… er… you know… male parts." He sighed.

"I know. It's not yours."

Sephiroth's expression was so priceless that even Zack couldn't help from laughing at it. Sephiroth's glare killed his humor though. That and the fact that Hojo had moved his hand down the poor thing's shirt. The thing was, though Zack hated to admit it the clone was thoroughly enjoying himself. Zack shuddered again.

"I just have one question…" Sephiroth said finally. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?!?!"

"I didn't think it was important!" Hojo said. "I thought you'd be smart enough to, you know, use condoms like I always do."

"Thank Gaia…" Zack whimpered, eyeing his clone. "I'm sorry." He mouthed to it. It winked at him. Zack shuddered, AGAIN. _Why am I even here…?_ He wondered.

"So… is it possible for me to give birth?" Sephiroth questioned.

"Quite! In fact, it'll happen! Unless, you know, you want me to cut it out of you." A scalpel had somehow appeared in his hands, as Hojo's glasses glinted ominously.

"No- no thanks!" Sephiroth said immediately. "I'm sure child-birth is less painful that whatever you have in store for me. Besides… I'm a SOLDIER 1st class. How hard can child-birth be?"

Sephiroth would live to eat those words. Eat them GOOD.

* * *

**It's kinda short but amusing enough that it should be okay, right? The Zack-Clone? It's mine now. It's so cute and obedient. It really is a little puppy!**

***COUGH* Anyway, Next chapter'll be about Sephy's having to ask for maternity leave, etc. And maybe finding a new house? I mean, they have a kid to take care of now… they need a house, right?**

**WAIT. I know, Rufus will provide one for them ~ A very "Beautiful" house full of… toys.**

**TEEHEE.**

**This is, by far, my favorite chapter. Or maybe when they go back to see Hojo, after LOLOL just GUESS what he has in store for poor ol' Zacky.**


	4. Lazard

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 4**

**Lazard**

Lazard. He had to speak to Lazard. "Do I _have_ to speak to Lazard?" Sephiroth asked himself as he stood outside the director's office. "Yes." He replied, sighing heavily. "How the hell do I even begin to start to explain this to him… and if Gaia even kind of loves me, please do not let him be doing something… or someone."

He knocked, because he was sick of barging in on people and having it turn out bad. The Director simply replied with, "Come in."

Sephiroth was skeptical but once he opened the door he found that nothing was wrong. Lazard was sitting at his desk, just… messing around on his computer. "Wait, what are you looking at?"

Lazard looked up at him. "Why?" He swiveled the screen around. It showed… puppies. And was that a picture of Zack? But besides that, it was innocent. "I want a dog. I'm… lonely."

"Okay then." Sephiroth replied. "I need, erm, a vacation…"

"Well, what should I put on the official form?" He asked, reaching for a pen.

"Um…" Sephiroth tentatively braided his hair, like a school girl. "Um."

"Well?"

"Um." Was Sephiroth's continual answer. "…maternity…" and then he broke out into such a horrible coughing fit that Lazard wasn't sure he would stop.

"…really?" Lazard raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Maybe." Sephiroth muttered. "…I guess…"

Lazard sat back in his chair. "Of all of the horrible excuses I have ever heard, Sephiroth, I cannot believe it is from you. Zack, maybe but _you_?"

"I…I'm not kidding, much as I wish I was."

Lazard chuckled. "That's… interesting."

"And if you tell anyone-"

"Fine, fine. So, who is the mother?"

Sephiroth sneezed, so fake-ly that Lazard was positive that it was to cover up the "I am." That he had just stated. "Erm, I'll be going now!"

"Wait." Lazard said firmly. "You are a man… unless I am mistaken, and then you are extremely flat-chested."

"Excuse me!" Sephiroth hissed, whirling around. "I am _not_ flat-chested!" He paused, "Or a woman! I am a _man_ who just HAPPENS to be able to become pregnant, ALRIGHT?!"

"Oh!" Lazard clapped suddenly, seemingly understanding. "You're a transvestite!"

"I AM NOT THAT HORRID THING!" Sephiroth shouted, turning red. "I am a MAN."

"So… who's the father?" Lazard wondered, amused by the stupidity.

"Er, it's, uh, um, it's um, er, well you know… the puppy…"

"Oh… that's really wrong, Sephiroth-"

"NOT LITERALLY!"

"OH!" Lazard smiled. "You mean Kunsel?"

"Who the fuck is Kunsel?"

"Never mind. So who is it?"

"Erm, well, Zack…"

"One night stand?"

"Wow, someone actually believes me for once."

"Of course," Lazard replied matter-of-factly. "Zack never does anyone twice. He gets bored so easily. But even with you, only once. Well, guess he's stuck with you, _now_."

Sephiroth face palmed. _I'm almost a little bit offended. Then again, Zack does have the attention span of a puppy… on crack._ "So am I… good here?"

"Sure, the papers are done."

"WHAT?!" He cleared his throat. "Er, right, I'll be leaving now…"

"Oh, by the way Rufus wants to speak to you."

"About what, do you know?"

"Nope. Not a clue. But he says it's 'urgent'."

Sephiroth sighed. "I need a nap."

"Oh, your poor baby."

"Shut up. Or I kill you."

"Alright, bye now!"

"Everything's good." Sephiroth said, watching as Tseng mysteriously disappeared into Lazard's office once he had left. It wouldn't be odd, except his hair was down and his clothes a little bit too ruffled up. "Fuckin' A even _he _was doing someone."

"What?" Zack asked. "And shame on you for speaking like that in front of the BABY."

Sephiroth stared at him for a few moments. "I don't think it can hear me." And just as he finished that sentence, the child savagely kicked him.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Zack said, ignoring his 'wife's' pain. "We should find out what gender it is!"

"Rufus wants to see me, as well…" Sephiroth moaned. "Too much to doo…"

"I know, I'll go see Rufy!" Zack said. "You go find out what gender it is!"

"Why me? Can't you go-"

"I'm not the pregnant one!"

"But if I punch you enough times, it'll sure look like you are."

Zack winced. "Okay, okay, we'll have it your way. So, which first?"

"Rufus, definitely Rufus." He said. Sephiroth couldn't have cared less about the stupid monster's gender. "Alright, let's go." He sighed and they made their way to Rufus's office.

* * *

**EXTRA**: "Everything's good." Sephiroth announced as he left the office. Tseng slipped back in. "Hey, I'm back." He announced, a grin upon his lips. "Were you waiting long?"

"Not really, Sephiroth just tends to overreact." Lazard replied. "So, let's continue, shall we?"

Tseng's smile was amazingly brilliant. "Alright."

* * *

**Whatever that was, don't ask me. And it was NOT My idea, it was StainsofBloodOnYourHands's idea SO THAR.**

**Anyway, This was a lot longer than I thought and by the time I got to the "Rufy's office" part I realized it was four pages O___o Wow, Lazard you talk a lot for someone who shows up like twice in the whole game.**

**Alright, next time? ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? Rufus's eats pie.**

**Oh, and I guess I lied about last chapter since I said what happens next chapter happens in the next two chapters since this chapter wasn't what happened in what I said would happen in the last chapter.**

**LOLOLOL TRY TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.**

**Can you tell it's 1:40?**


	5. Rufus

"Lalalala, let's go to Rufy's office!" Zack sang merrily as they walked down the hall. He was swinging Sephiroth's hand, which he was holding, much to Sephiroth's dismay. "Rufy is so cool, let's go to his office."

"What the fuck are you even doing anymore?" Sephiroth wondered. When Zack did not respond, even when Sephiroth reached for Masamune, he decided to simply slap him as hard as he could (well maybe not since that would've killed him) but close.

Zack let go of his hand. "Thanks, man, I needed that. I think I pulled a muscle… in my brain."

"Thinking too much, lately, Zack?" Sephiroth teased. "You know you need to stop doing that."

"Shut up, you're the one who's pregnant, not me."

"I think I said this last chapter, but if I punch you enough times, it'll sure look like you are."

"I don't remember you saying that."

Sephiroth sighed. "Maybe you haven't been thinking lately, after all."

Finally, after about two hours of walking in what seemed like circles, and maybe they had been knowing that Zack was leading them, they made it (safely) to Rufus's office. Hey, no one was even mortally injured! (Yet!)

"Ruf-"

"WAIT, KNOCK!" Zack screamed, slamming the door closed before Sephiroth could open it fully.

"You're very right…" He muttered. He knocked, attentively, as he was already afraid of what Rufus might do in his office when no one was looking. However, there was no reply. "Damnit." He swore. "I guess we have to go in…"

"Damnit." Zack mimicked. "I don't wanna…"

"You go in first, Zacky, my dear husband."

"Ladies first!" Zack pronounced, but Sephiroth's stare said, "TO HELL WITH CHIVALRY YOU ARE GOING IN FIRST." To reiterate that he opened the door and pushed Zack in.

"NO!" He shouted but he was already in the office. And, unluckily for Zack, the lights were _off_.

"Oh HELL no. HELL NO." He hissed. "Um, Rufy!" He called. "It's, er, Sephy and Zacky!"

Sephiroth, came behind him and smacked him over the head. "Stop it, you freakin' idiot. It's your denial speaking, I know it. I did the same thing. Good thing no one was there to see me."

Zack coughed and Sephiroth got back on topic. "Why are the lights out?" He asked. "Wait, don't answer that." He decided quickly. "RUFUS." He commanded. "TURN ON THE LIGHTS."

Nothing happened. In fact, even less than nothing happened and the light on the door turned off, too. "Good one, Sephiroth." Zack said, earning a smack on the head, again.

"Shut up and find the light-switch before I kill you."

It was when they stopped speaking when they heard muffled noises in the dark. Zack sobbed, wondering if it was a repeat of what had happened at Hojo's. "Please don't be me, please don't be me." He prayed.

Sephiroth listened but the noises, though oddly familiar, were not recognizable simply by that. Besides, the noises were not really noises but muffled words? Sephiroth was sure it wasn't anything bad, just… words. He prayed.

"Found it!"

"EEK!"

"Or maybe that wasn't a light-switch."

Sephiroth face-palmed and asked, "What did you do?"

"It was hard like a light-switch…"

"Were you even near the wall?"

"It felt like a wall…"

"What the fuck are you doing, Zack?"

"You douche." Is what the voice interjected. "And the lights went out on their own."

"…" Zack bust out laughing. "Yeah right."

"Why else would I be sitting in Rufus's office, half naked, wondering when the hell the lights and the power will return so I can leave?"

"Erm, wait who are you?"

Sephiroth paused. "Wait, it's you again."

"Hey, are you the cutie with the silver hair?"

"I guess?"

"You're the pregnant one!" The woman said happily. "I like you! So I'll excuse your friend's rudeness. Is he the father?"

"Unfortunately." Both of them said at the same time.

"Heehee! You guys are so cute! Well, as far as I can tell in the dark the other one is cute too. I'm good at seeing in the dark now, you know."

Zack had somehow made it back to where Sephiroth stood, well more like he ran into Sephiroth who kicked him. Where? You decide. "Zack, is the door really locked?"

"Yeah, I checked that too. She isn't lying."

"So, wait, who was the other person talking, then?"

"Who else, sillies!"

"Rufus is in here, too?"

"No, that other cute guy who works for Rufus!"

"It's Reno, isn't it?"

"Aw, hell!" Reno swore in the dark. "I was hopin' nobody would notice me. Since Rufus'll be pissed when he finds me in here… again."

"What the hell are you two doing in his office, anyway?"

"Hello? There's no where else to go?" The woman replied. "It's not like Rufus cares much, anyway. There are already numerous stains on his carpet."

"OKAY." Zack decided, ending the conversation. "I'm going to smash the door open-"

There was a click. Nobody moved. Sephiroth stiffened and he wished that he hadn't come to Rufus's first, after all. Maybe the gender was important…

"What the hell are you people doing in my office?" A voice wondered as the lights clicked back on.

"RUFUS YOU SAVED ME!" Reno screamed, attempting to hug the man who promptly kicked him. "Put clothes on, then maybe I'll let you hug me. But most likely not. Your hugs always have odd side effects. It's like I get an STD but it's not lethal."

"It's cuz I turn you on." Reno replied. Rufus kicked him again.

"Moving on, can you clean that up, Cecelia?" He asked the woman who giggled. "Okay! But you have to pay me extra!"

"Whatever. And now for you." He turned to the two SOLDIERS. "What the fuck are you doing in my office?"

"Um." Zack muttered. "We're here 'cause you asked us to be."

"Stupid." Sephiroth interjected. "Now what do you want before I kill some people?"

"Oh right, that." Rufus wished he could sit on his nice chair, but since that was obviously not an option currently, he just stood. "Since you're having a child you cannot stay at the dormitory anymore."

"Fuck." Sephiroth swore. "So what now?"

"Move out. Bye." He waved ever-so-kindly and turned around. Sephiroth was flabbergasted and before he could recover Rufus chuckled. "Just kidding. Mostly. You do have the get the hell out, but I'll accommodate you for the time being since I owe you something."

Zack turned to Sephiroth and whispered, "What does he owe you?"

Sephiroth gave Zack a Patented Glare Number 3 ™. Zack swallowed hard and turned back to Rufus, who still had his back turned. "I'll give you two a house, but it's only under one condition…"

"Yeah?"

Rufus finally turned back around and pointed to both of them, "That once you have the child you will give it up and return to your duties as 1st Class SOLDIER. Understand?"

Zack nodded but Sephiroth did not. "What the hell?!" He demanded. "How can I promise that?"

Rufus said nothing more than, "Then give it up right now. Just kill it, then."

Sephiroth said nothing. "Fine. At least it won't be dead, then. Zack, we're leaving."

Zack shrugged. "Alrighty-then." He turned to Rufus. "Pfft, women." He said. Rufus sighed.

"I'm sorry Sephiroth, but you know the rules. Unless you never read that part of the SOLDIER agreement."

Sephiroth didn't say anything. "Since when did it apply to me?!" He said, then slammed the door.

"Wait, Sephy!" Zack protested. "He left me…" He sobbed.

* * *

OUTTAKES: "Lalalala, let's go to Rufy's office!" Zack sang merrily as they walked down the hall. "I love Rufus."

"What?" Sephiroth wondered.

* * *

**I don't know either, Sephiroth.**

**Alright. This chapter was ON CRACK. Then it got serious? LOLOLOLOLOSERT ER er WTF I didn't even mean to type that but OKAY. OMG CAN YOU TELL IT'S LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNIGN AND I AM TIRED AND IGNORING TYPOS BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMROE.**

**I'M GOING TO BED NOW.**

**And besides, Sephiroth needs a break from me using his character so retardededly. (Okay, that was on purpose) NIGHTYNIGHTNIGHT!**


	6. Even More Clones

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 6**

**Even More Clones**

"No. No way. I am _not_ _ever_ going back there. No. NO WAY."

"Come on, you know that he's the only scientist here who I can tell."

"Let's go to Hollander!"

"…But he isn't even…"

Sephiroth sighed heavily. "We are _not_ going to that horrible man. We are going to a different horrible man."

"Please!" Zack begged, his hands together as if in prayer. Most likely he was. "Not Hojo!"

Sephiroth put his hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, he's probably moved on to someone more 'fun' and less puppy-like." He couldn't hold back a smirk.

"I sure hope so…" Zack whined.

And, for once, Sephiroth was right. Hojo had definitely found someone more 'fun'. At least, someone more 'experienced'.

"Why." Was all Zack could ask himself. "Why, GAIA WHY?!"

Hojo cackled, the new clone (or so Zack hoped it was) sitting on his lap was none other than… Angeal. Zack was sitting there too, still grinning like a child who had just been praised. "Why, Hojo, why?!"

"My Zack was lonely." Was his reply. Zack whimpered. The other thing he noticed was a Genesis-Clone leaning against a wall, staring longingly at Hojo. He only noticed Zack once, and waved creepily, before staring at Hojo again. Zack shuddered.

"Alright, Hojo, I need you to do something for me."

"Sure!" He replied, not really wishing death upon himself quite yet. "What do you need?"

"We need to know if it's a boy or a girl…" Sephiroth stated. "Can you do that much?"

"I have an ultrasound in the back." Hojo said, then turned to Genesis. "Go get it, boy."

Genesis whimpered and sighed, moving off to get it. Zack couldn't take his eyes off Angeal, whose arms were around Hojo's neck. "I'm so sorry, Angeal…"

Angeal only glanced at Zack, a wicked smile on his face. Zack wished he hadn't said anything, after all.

Genesis had brought the equipment, still looking down. Once he gave the stuff to Hojo, he giggled, then returned to his corner. Zack couldn't say anything to that. Nothing at all. Sephiroth was equally as shocked. "Uh, can we return to the main plot now?" Sephiroth wondered, wishing he had never seen that.

"Sure, fine, whatever. Angeal, Zack, you may leave." The clones looked reluctant as they crawled off of Hojo. Angeal, Zack and Genesis all began to talk, or at least, stare at each other in Genesis's corner.

"Hm." Hojo said as he stood up. "On second thought, Genesis come here."

Genesis's expression was that of a school-girl whose secret crush had just confessed his love for her. Zack thought, _Well at least it's not me._ He thought, then watched as the Angeal-Clone patted the Zack-Clone on the ass. _Actually, I wish that my poor Zack-Clone had been the one Hojo wanted._ He watched, growing even more horrified as the Zack-Clone giggled. He _liked_ it. "DEAR GAIA, DON'T DO IT, ZACK-CLONE!"

Of course the clone ignored him. The Angeal-Clone, however, winked at the real Zack who shivered and sobbed. "Please don't touch me, Angeal." He whimpered.

Sephiroth mutely covered his eyes as the clones began to make out in the corner. Zack began to truly cry now.

"Can we move on, now?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Don't mind them," Hojo snickered, "They always do that."

"Always?!" Zack cried.

"I think they're quite accurate, too."

"NO THEY'RE NOT, YOU PERVERTED-" Sephiroth promptly covered his mouth instead of his eyes now and sighed.

Hojo shrugged. "You'll need to lay down and take off your coat."

"…do I have to?" Sephiroth muttered, already complying. "Zack, if he touches me, kill him. Do not hesitate."

"Okay!" Zack said, hoping that he did so that he could cut him up.

Two minutes later…

"It's a boy." Hojo announced. "Can you leave now?"

"How the hell can you tell that quick?!" Sephiroth wondered, so shocked he used… improper grammar DUN DUN DUN…

"Magic. Now leave." Hojo said, waving his hand. "I have business to attend to."

Zack glanced at his clone, now nearly fully naked in the corner. "Why Angeal, you rapist, why?!"

"It's not rape if it's willing." Sephiroth interjected as he put his clothes back on. "Which it is, I mean do you see yourself over there?"

"SHUT UP!"

Once they had left, Sephiroth yawned. "I am so tired!" He announced. "Let's go home."

"Erm, where is home?"

"Rufus said he'd send us the mail."

"Beep."

"Um, Zack please tell me that wasn't you." Sephiroth hoped.

"It was my phone." Zack replied. "Rufus sent us the address."

"…why does it sound exactly like you?"

"I recorded it!" Zack said, sounding overly proud of himself. "Wanna know what I recorded for you-"

"NO."

"Okay, your loss."

Sephiroth shook his head. He was almost tempted to send Zack a message just to hear it, but at the same time was glad he was never around to hear it. "Can we just go?"

"You'll never believe where Rufus set us up, Sephy!"

* * *

**LOLOLOLOL the end. Even I don't know where! TEEHEE.**

**Yeah that's about it.**

**LOL Angeal is a rapist. I bet he really is, though. I mean he's so old he'll never score (WTF he's the same age as Gensissy and Sephy BUT HE LOOKS SO OLDDDD.)**

**Alright, the end.**

**P.S. And you thought that the Zack Clone alone was baad. Silly YOU.**


	7. notthedoctor House

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 7**

**(notthedoctor) House**

"Whoa!"

"It is… something to look at, isn't it?"

"It's so… huge!"

"I'm not sure, though, will it work?"

"Of course! It's amazing!"

"It is only the two of us, isn't it a bit… much?"

"Who cares? It's _f-r-e-e!_"

The house was grand to say the least, as Sephiroth and Zack had figured out by just looking at it. Resembling the Shin-Ra manor, but much less large and definitely not as luxurious, the house was still huge. Much bigger than it needed to be for two people.

"I wonder why it's so big?" Zack wondered. "I'll ask Rufus."

"Don't bother." Sephiroth said, walking towards the door.

Zack put his phone away, following behind him. "Is it locked?"

"No." Sephiroth replied, tossing Zack one of the keys. "He left the keys under the mat."

"Ouch." Sephiroth mumbled, placing a hand over his stomach.

"Something wrong?"

"No."

"Liar!"

"No, really, I feel fine." Sephiroth said, but he was paler than usual. "I'll just go lay down, now."

"I wonder if it's furnished?" Zack said absentmindedly as they entered the house. "IT IS!" He exclaimed, immediately jumping onto one of the many chairs. "YES! I love Rufus!"

"Ah, I'll pretend I never heard that…" Sephiroth mumbled. "And go lay down…"

Zack shrugged, a grin still present on his face. "I think I can get used to this."

"You've got eight months." Sephiroth said from the bedroom. Or at least what Zack figured was the bedroom.

He stood up and walked over to the door. "Are you alright, Sephy?"

"Just fine." He replied. Although, he sounded much less than "just fine".

"Sephiroth." Zack warned. "I know when you're hiding things, you know."

"Please leave me alone, Zack."

Zack pondered ignoring him and coming in anyway, but knowing Sephiroth there was a good reason for his not wanting Zack near him. Instead, he let him be and sauntered over to the kitchen. Crossing his fingers, he hoped for lots of glorious food. "YES!" He shouted when he found the fridge was fully stocked with expensive looking foods. Only Sephiroth realized how much they were going to have to pay, but he was busy so Zack decided to just forget about it.

"Hmmm, what else can I find? Oh, I hope there's not a dead hooker under the bed." He said, sticking out his tongue in distaste.

"ZACK!" Zack jumped ten feet. _Holy Crap, did Sephiroth just scream my name? Wait, that sounds familiar… have I heard this joke before?_ Zack shook his head. "Focus, you idiot!"

"ZACK, GET THE HELL IN HERE!"

"Okay, okay I'm coming!" he said, "Sheesh what a girl."

Zack opened the door. "Um, what's the problem?"

"I need help." Sephiroth said, sitting on the bed.

"With what?"

"Um."

"Um, what?"

"Um." Sephiroth coughed. "I can't take off my clothes without help."

Zack stared at Sephiroth with such an intense look that Sephiroth looked away. "Really, Sephiroth? Really? REALLY?"

"Shut up! I was deprived skills as a child! All my clothes had Velcro."

Zack shook his head. "Why the screaming my name, then?"

"I needed your help."

"Please tell me you're not having mood swings already."

"I hope not." Sephiroth grumbled, placing a hand over his face. "Can you just, at least, unbuckle my coat and take off the annoying SOLDIER belt?"

"Sure, I guess." Zack had only took one step before he realized, "Wait, does this count as undressing you?"

"Shut up and do it, or I'll kill you." He replied, looking away. "It's not my fault I never had to buckle stuff."

"Alright, hold still." Zack said, joining him on the bed and crossing his legs like a pre-schooler.

After about an hour or so of unbuckling, buckling again, and maybe a tear or a rip or two, the coat, along with the shoulder guards, the straps across his chest that held the belt had successfully come off. All that remained were his pants. "Want me to take those off, too, Sephy?"

"NO." Sephiroth shouted. "Now let me sleep!"

"Okay, okay, mood swings, geez." Zack said, then laughed. "It's not like I meant it like that, anyway. I just know how uncomfortable these SOLDIER issue-pants are."

Sephiroth grunted a reply that sounded like, "Go away." so Zack left him alone.

"Great, I'm bored." Zack announced only two minutes later. He had been looking at some of the books that littered the place, but they were all boring. "Those books suck. I mean, Junjou Romantica? What is THAT?!"

Zack had just left it where he found it, in the secret drawer of a secret room behind a book shelf. "Oh, what is that?" Zack wondered, looking at the big, black, blank screen that hung on the wall. "It's so beautiful."

He examined the buttons on it until he found one that even relatively made sense. So he pressed it and the TV blinked on. "Ooooh." Zack moaned. "It's so pretty…"

A low 'MMMMMMMMMMMM' noise emitted from the thing, carrying into Sephiroth's room. He rolled over once, placed the pillow over his head and tried to ignore it. But he couldn't. It was so obnoxious, it was worse than Zack. He sat up and made his way to the living room. "Zack what are you-…" He stopped mid sentence, staring at the television screen. It was the… broken channel. The one with the color bars, which you get if you don't actually receive that certain channel. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"It's so beautiful, Sephiroth." Zack said, as if in a trance.

"Okay, enough TV for you, Zack." Sephiroth announced, turning the TV off. For a few moments, Zack didn't respond. Then, with eyes open wider than Sephiroth had ever seen, he turned like a zombie to face him.

"…why did you turn it off, _Sephiroth…?_"

"Um, I think you need to take a nap, Zack." Sephiroth said lightly, holding up his hands in surrender. "Badly."

"If you say so." He said, snapping back to normal. "But you're on the bed."

"Aren't there two rooms?"

"Nope."

"That bastard. Speaking of that, it's a double bed, too." Sephiroth sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So, like, Rufus expects us to sleep… together?" Zack snickered. "I knew he was a jerk, but this is a little bit over the top, even for him."

"I'm beginning to think that this is Rufus's famed summer-house." Sephiroth said, and then it clicked.

"OH MY GAIA, AND YOU WERE SLEEPING ON THE BED!"

Sephiroth almost shrieked. "I think I need a shower…"

"I'll wash the sheets…" Zack mumbled.

"I don't want to take any chances." Sephiroth shuddered and moved into the bathroom.

Zack delicately bundled up the sheets and threw them into the washer that he found in the basement. He was only just upstairs when he heard the scream. "I knew it! There is a dead hooker under the bed!"

"ZACK YOU MORON!"

"Oh, maybe not. Unless she knows me… Wait, I hope it's not Aerith!" Zack slapped himself. "What he hell am I saying? She's so innocent!"

"ZACK I AM GOING TO KILL YOU."

"Nope, not Aerith." Zack decided. "Oh, I'm coming Sephy!"

As soon as he entered the bedroom the silver-haired man was standing, with a towel on, and very… red? "Um, what's wrong, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth's frown was enough to make Zack regret saying anything. "I now have third degree burns in places that would make a non-SOLDIER cry."

"Um, sorry? What did I-" He saw the stare and looked away. "Erm, right, the washer."

"I'll go turn off the washer and you can finish your shower, okay…?"

"You goddamn better."

* * *

**TWOFER. (Two for one LOLOLOL (un)lucky you! )**

**So, like, I thought I might as well double-update since... I'unno, no reason really.**

**And Zack's secret channel? It's channel 77 for StainsofBloodOnYourHands (the co-author whom I forgot to mention these last 7 chapters.) and for me, well, I don't get it (sadness) Zack would be unhappy with my TV.**

* * *

**MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM**


	8. Mooooodswings & Maybe Some TongueKissin

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 8**

**Mooooodswings & Maybe Some Tongue-Kissing Thrown In There**

They hadn't set in right away, but gradually and maybe that had been worse than if they had just shown up suddenly, since it had taken Zack a few weeks to realize exactly what had happened. "Oh my Gaia…" He had said when it set in. "Sephiroth is having _mood swings._"

"Zack!" Sephiroth called. His voice was happy and cheerful and for once Zack hoped it stayed that way. Yet when he entered the room he found the biggest frown on his face ever. "Eh!" Zack jumped. "What do you want, Sephiroth?" He asked as kindly as he could.

"I want some water." Sephiroth decided. "No, wait, milk. Actually, on second thought, I want some Apple Juice."

"Okay, Apple Juice it is-"

"You idiot, I said water!"

Zack twitched. "Okay, water then."

"Thank you, Zacky!" Sephiroth called after him, happy once again.

"I hate my life." Zack decided glumly as he went to fetch the princess whatever he wanted. "Water, right…" He poured a glass and returned with it. "Here."

Sephiroth took the glass but didn't bring it to his lips. Instead he poured it on Zack. "I wanted apple juice!"

Zack stared at Sephiroth, just stared. "Okay, fine, you know what?" He left and returned holding all three. "YOU WANT IT, TAKE THEM ALL AND THEN DECIDE!"

"Geez, Zack, you're pretty grumpy lately." Sephiroth noted.

Zack just turned and left, screaming once he entered the hallway. "I HATE MY LIFE!"

"Zack!

"One moment, dear!" He called, still seething.

Sephiroth had downed all three glasses of liquid. "What now, Princess?" Zack asked, leaning over so that he was on the same level.

Without warning Sephiroth grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into a full-out tongue kiss. Zack struggled to pull away but Sephiroth was much stronger and didn't let go for a good thirty-seconds.

When he did Zack was gasping for breath but Sephiroth seemed unaffected. "Okay, you can go."

Zack stumbled out of the room. "What the hell?!" He asked himself, still hardly able to breath. "Sephiroth… you are one hella good kisser. But… why?!"

"Zack!"

"WHAT NOW?!" He asked, walking back into the room, albeit not standing so close to the bed as before.

Tears glistened in the silver haired man's eyes. "Is it so horrible that I'm so lonely, Zacky?"

"Ah, no!" Zack hurriedly said, shaking his hands. "Um, I'll keep you company, as long as you don't kiss me again 'cause I can't hold my breath for that long, man."

"D-didn't you like it?" He asked sorrowfully.

"Er, sure?" Sephiroth didn't seem convinced. "I mean, you're a really good kisser!"

"Then willingly kiss me again." Sephiroth turned serious, crossing his arms over his chest, or at least the best he could.

_I just walked into a trap, didn't I?_ Zack wondered, sighing heavily. "Do I have to-" Sephiroth's glare cut the words in half. "I mean sure, be right there…" Zack took the smallest steps he could as he attempted to walk over to Sephiroth.

"I really am that bad, aren't I?" Sephiroth cried.

"No, no! I mean, you're the best kisser I've ever kissed!" Zack amended. "And I'll kiss you again, if you want!"

"Good, now get over here." He snapped.

Zack hung his head. "Okay…" He muttered, walking over to where Sephiroth was propped up on the bed. _Alright, you can hold your breath for that long, just try_. He told himself, as he leaned over the man. _Okay, you can do this, just, pretend it's Cloud or something. Wait Cloud's not that good a kisser, though. Oh fuck it!_

Zack felt light headed as he finally brought his lips to Sephiroth's. The silver-haired man (?) didn't seem to hold back despite being pregnant with Zack's child (??) and surreptitiously slid his tongue into the other man's mouth.

Zack found himself unable to stop himself kissing back, knowing that if he didn't, Sephiroth would kill him. The taste of mako was present in that kiss; obviously both from Zack's own saliva but from Sephiroth's metallic-tasting spit. When he finally broke the kiss, Sephiroth didn't resist and let Zack wipe his mouth off. "There, happy now?" He asked, wiping his hands on his pants.

"I guess."

Zack felt bad. "I'm a bad kisser?"

"No," Sephiroth replied, some sort of evil smile on his lips. "I just want more."

Zack shuddered. "Er, maybe later, I'm going to go… uh, watch my secret channel on TV or something."

"NO TV." Sephiroth said before Zack could even move. "Go to bed."

"…Is it safe?" Zack wondered. "Please don't grope me…"

"I won't... again." Sephiroth coughed and turned red.

Zack tried to not remember what had happened previously that made him weary of sleeping in the same vicinity as Sephiroth. It was too traumatizing. "Do you promise?"

Sephiroth sighed, running his hands through his long hair. "Yes, Zack. Now go to sleep."

"Alright, I'll go change." Zack said, grabbing his pajama bottoms from on top of the dresser. Once he returned from changing and wetting down his hair with water to get the gel out of it before he went to bed. Sephiroth had already dozed off and was snoring peacefully. "Aww, he's kind of cute!"

"…kill… Zack…" He mumbled in his sleep.

Zack shuddered and pulled the blankets out from underneath Sephiroth and put them on top of him. He laid down next to him, though not yet under the blankets. He wasn't quite tired, just yet. In fact, he normally thought before he slept. Mostly about the day, but life had been so hectic lately that he wasn't sure where to start. If Sephiroth was like this already and he was only 2 months pregnant (he still found it weird) then what would he be like later on? He shivered, grabbing the top blanket and using it to cover himself. "I can't help but feel as if this is _my_ fault…" Zack muttered to himself as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**Cuz it IS your fault, Zack xD**

**Everyone else was sensible, ya know? Everyone else 'cept Reno and Rufus used condoms.**

**Stupid, Zack xD LOLOLOL**

**Anyway, next time we get to see exactly how Sephy got prego. (NOT THE TOMATO SAUCE YOU IDIOT.)**

**(And for some reason the line thing was crack'd up on this chapter.)**

**Oh, and I'm just fully uploading this on here since I finished it. SO YAH.**


	9. Flashbacks are Fun not really

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 9**

**Flashbacks are Fun (not really)**

"_Heyy, Sephy~!" A voice called from behind where Sephiroth stood in front of his dormitory room. He was about to enter his room and relax after a rather particularly long mission that seemed to have had no end. He almost wanted to ignore the voice, whoever it was he didn't care, and continue into his room, but something in the very back of his mind told him to turn and look._

"_Hey there, Sexy, come here often?" Sephiroth choked on his own spit as he stared at the spectacle in front of him._

"_Z-Z-Z-Zack…" Sephiroth began, covering his eyes. "Why the hell are you wearing a dress?"_

"_Oh, no reason, really." He winked, straightening out the short, ruffled bottom of the short skirt that barely reached the middle of his thighs. "Why do you ask?"_

"_Because it's abnormal for a non-cross dressing man to wear a dress. Especially one like _that_." Sephiroth pointed out, crossing his arms over his long coat. "So I want an explanation."_

"_Well, really no other reason except I just figured out something very important." He said, fiddling with one of the many ribbons that kept the dress together. "Like, maybe that I just figured out that I want you in my pants."_

"_Really? Really, Zack?" Sephiroth asked, not at all convinced. "Why do you tell me this, now?"_

"'_Cause I just figured it out, silly!" Zack replied, retying the ribbon that he had untied. "And I can't wait _any longer._"_

"_No." Sephiroth said simply, turning to open his door. "I am very tired and not in the mood for jokes, Zack."_

"_Who said I was joking, Sephiroth?"_

_Sephiroth froze, his hand on the doorknob. He let go of it, sighing heavily and turning back to his best friend, giving him one of his patented glares. _Patented Glare Number 7_ ™ in fact. Stern but not too much so. "What do you mean, you're not joking?"_

_Zack's grin answered that question and he really hadn't needed to say anymore. "Just that; I'm not kidding." He said matter-of-factly._

_There was a moment of silence as Sephiroth stared at Zack, willing his eyes not to wander to the horribly sexy outfit the man wore. "How did you just figure this out?"_

"_Because of this." Zack handed him a magazine. "That's why."_

_Sephiroth knew he shouldn't have opened the magazine having seen the cover, but his curiosity about what it had to do with him was too much for him to stand and he flipped through the pages until something silver caught his eyes. "No." He whispered, staring at the double page featuring… him. "Who the _hell_ is responsible for… _this_?" he demanded, shoving the almost-but-not-quite nude picture of him into Zack's face._

"_I dunno."_

"_Tell me or I'll take something precious from you." Sephiroth growled._

"_It was Reno."_

"_What? But when-how-where…?" he moaned, pinching the bridge of his nose again. "Oh no." He said, running his fingers through his hair. "It was that one time, wasn't it?"_

_Zack shrugged. "How would I know?"_

"_Hey, Zack." Sephiroth said, turning the page. "Did you see this?"_

"_Yeah, I'm not too proud of that day, either." He said, taking the magazine back. "I do look good though, I must say."_

"_Are you going to stop harassing me or not?" Sephiroth asked, looking down at him._

"_Not until I get what I want." Zack said, the grin spreading across his lips yet again. "So, please? Just once? Please?"_

"_No, go away."_

"_Aww, why _not_?"_

_Sephiroth put his hands on Zack's shoulders so that he could stare straight into his eyes. "Because, Zack, I am your best friend. Do you _want_ to ruin our relationship forever?"_

"…_No, but it won't change a thing, I promise!" Zack said, wiggling his butt. "Please!"_

_Sephiroth twitched. He was so… cute. Like a puppy. So cute. Zack wiggled again. "Please, Sephy!"_

"_No."_

"_Okay, okay, so the dress didn't do much for you, I get it!" He said, walking around in a circle as he explained it. "Not your thing. Well then, I give up."_

"_Bullshit." Sephiroth commented, staring down the younger man. "I know you better than that."_

"_Okay, so maybe you're right." Zack turned back to Sephiroth. "Can I at least kiss you, then? Once? Please?"_

"_No." Sephiroth replied. If you gave Zack an inch, he'd take a mile. "Please leave, Zack."_

_Zack sighed. "Okay, alright, so if not even that much, can I hold your hand?"_

"_Wow, getting desperate are we, Zack?" Sephiroth replied sarcastically._

"_Yes." He replied without shame. "So can I?"_

_Sephiroth couldn't take the sight of the man in the dress any longer. "Fine, but then you leave."_

"_Okay!" Zack agreed, clapping his hands together in triumph. He held out his hand and Sephiroth, though unwilling to, placed his hand on top of Zack's._

_Zack sighed like a fangirl, then grinned and before Sephiroth could react he had been successfully pinned to the wall. "Zack!" He snapped, but before he could say anymore he was forcefully shut up by the pressure of a mouth against his own._

_At first he struggled to get free but Zack had the upper hand, being that he had not done any missions that day and Sephiroth was already fairly tired from his previous mission. It was no use, he couldn't get free from the other man's grasp. When Zack finally removed his lips from Sephiroth's, he was panting. "What do you think, now?" He asked, with a ghost of a smile on his lips._

_Sephiroth glared at Zack. "Actually, I don't think I'm quite convinced."_

"_That's alright, but maybe we shouldn't do this in the hallway." He commented, looking around. Though it seemed no one had come around he wasn't sure that wouldn't change._

_Sephiroth sighed, but maybe, just maybe, he was faintly smiling. "Let's go to my room, then."_

"Wah!" The man sat up in his bed, looking around. It was still pitch black, meaning still night, so he had to figure it had been a dream. Sephiroth laid back down when he became aware of something behind him. He felt around and became aware that Zack had been using him as a pillow. He sighed and tried his best to fall back asleep.

_It was like silk, smooth, creamy and without a single mistake or error. Perfect was the precise word for his beautiful pale skin. Perfect._

_In all of his life, he'd never quite expected that he would be able to see it to its full extent, as he had at _that_ moment. He had been able to see it without clothes marring the way, seen every inch of his beautiful skin, _felt_ every inch of his beautiful skin._

_He had been privileged enough to run his hands delicately over every inch of his skin, explore the places that no one else had ever been granted access to, been able to taste what perfection tasted like first-hand._

_He had even been able to press against that beautiful body, feeling it's warmth and glory all for himself._

_He was able to say that he had been one of the very few people to have ever been able to love Sephiroth to the fullest extend of the word._

"_Mmm." His voice was like pure beauty in itself. "Zack…" He moaned._

_It was such a beautiful sound, the sound of his name spoken from those perfect lips. He couldn't resist from running his hands over them, feeling how perfect they truly were in contrast to even how Zack had imagined._

_When their lips met it was pure ecstasy, nothing felt better in the whole world than that moment. The other man possessed such a wonderful way of making him feel amazing by just brushing his lips against his own. When their tongues touched, well, nothing compared. He tasted so strange and metallic, a lot like mako and a strange metal combined but it was such an addicting taste that he wished he would never be able to forget it. _

_He prayed nothing would erase the memory from his mind of that feeling._

The sharp intake of air caused him to choke as he recalled the dream that had awoken him. Zack coughed as quietly as he possibly could but it didn't matter. "Mmm… Zack is that you…?" Sephiroth mumbled beside him. Zack wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry."

"Okay…" Zack waited until he had began to snore again until he laid back down himself. _Why the hell did I just dream of _that_? _He wondered.

* * *

**Whoa, I didn't write Authoresess comments beforehand on this one O______o**

**So, sorry. Yeah, all I gotta say to this chapter. Sorry. I was bored. It was like 5:00 in the morning and I had nothing better to do. Or, wait a second, StainsofBloodOnYourHands was bribing me with Crisis Core D: I just remembered that. (It's been a while, mmkay?)**

**BTW I finished Crisis Core. Sobbed more than Sephiroth when he stubbed his toe that one time. SOLDIERS are not immune to stubbing toes and papercuts. (Actually, stubbing toes doesn't hurt me but WHATEVER SOLDIERS ARE WIMPSSSSSSSS)**


	10. WHERE DID HE GO?

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 10**

**WHERE DID HE GO!?**

An overly loud yawn permeated the silence of the morning, causing one very tired Sephiroth to roll over and reach for Zack's neck. However, he found that no one was laying next to him. "Good moooorning, sleepy-head~!" The same voice that had yawned announced. He was carrying a tray of food.

"Go away." Sephiroth commanded, covering his head with a pillow. At least, Zack _thought_ that was what he had said but the grumbling was barely legible.

"Aww, come on, mommy!" Zack said, grinning and snickering. "You need to wake up!"

"Mmrgh." Was the reply he got.

"Come on, it's time to wake up!" Zack said stubbornly, trying his best to hold the tray still. "It's only 6:00!"

"WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY IT WAS?!" He demanded, sending Zack a glare as he moved the pillow.

"Um, 10:00!" Zack amended, kicking the night stand so the clock fell off and broke.

"Because _I_ believe that bullshit." He grumbled, sitting up a little bit. His normally beautiful hair was strewn everywhere, and Zack spotted what looked like a real good SOLDIER-style knot. He winced and Sephiroth reached for where he knew the knot would be. He grimaced as he felt it himself.

"Um, do you still want breakfast?" He wondered, offering up the tray.

Sephiroth grunted and took the tray. He glanced at it and then asked, "Where's the meat?"

"What?" Zack asked, looking at the wonderful breakfast of eggs, waffles and orange-juice. "Meat?"

"Yes, meat. Where is it?"

"Um, I didn't cook you any…?"

"And _why_ not?"

Zack whimpered, "There isn't any around here…" Sephiroth's glare made him amend that sentence. "But I can go buy some, I'll be right back!"

"Come back soon, Zack." Sephiroth said angrily.

"Damnit, why do I have to end up buying meat for a carnivore that is bearing my child… and is a _man_." The woman in front of him at the supermarket slowly turn to look at him then looked back, traumatized. He slapped his forehead. "Smooth one, Zack."

"Um, here." His hands had been full of meat, in fact he wasn't even sure what half of it was, but he doubted Sephiroth cared. "Here." He said, giving the man his SOLDIER card and some gil. "Is that enough?"

"More than enough."

"Keep the change." Zack sighed, carrying the many bags of meat out of the store.

"Um, sir!" The man said, but Zack had left. "He gave me quadruple the amount of gil I needed…"

"Sephiroth! I got you some meat!" He announced as he entered the door. Zack had had much too much trouble opening the door with his hands so full and wasn't able to close it quite yet. "What do you want?"

There was no reply. Zack sighed heavily but for the moment he just wanted to get rid of the bags in his arms. He threw them on the counter and called again, but Sephiroth still wouldn't answer.

"What the hell?" He demanded, walking into the room. He stared blankly at the bed for a few moments before realization set in. "Where is Sephiroth?"

On the bedside table was a rather unpleasant note. "I'll be right back – Love Sephiroth"

"Wait, love?" Zack wondered, "No, wait, where the hell did he GO!?"

Zack sat on the bed. It was still warm, meaning he hadn't left too long ago. Zack pondered going after him, but he had no idea where he went. Albeit he could just ask "Did you see Sephiroth?" and people would point him in the right direction. But maybe it would be best _not_ to be seen in public with him.

So he decided to wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Actually, somewhere in between there he fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that it was almost nine. "Where could the man have gone, and 'be right back' my ass!"

"Zack! Are you home?"

"SEPHIROTH." Zack said, anger flashing in his eyes. He jumped out of the bed and fell onto his face, since both his legs had fallen asleep. "Oww…" He moaned, looking up to see Sephiroth in the doorway. He was… smiling?

"Wait, what happened to your hair?" Zack wondered, staring at it. It was the same length but it looked… different somehow.

"Oh, you noticed?" He asked, absolutely glowing. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Um, sure. What did you do to it?" He asked, wishing he could feel his legs and stand up soon.

"I got it layered a bit, and the bangs cut a little bit, see?"

Zack raised an eyebrow. "Yes." He lied to avoid any confrontation.

"Aww, you're so cute." Sephiroth said, bending over to pat his head like a dog. "Excuse me, but can you help me up?!"

"The doctor says no heavy lifting."

"Oh, wait! I'm not heavy!"

"I won't take any chances." Sephiroth waggled his finger and moved to sit back on the bed.

Zack finally felt the feeling return to his legs and stood up, stretching lazily. "I got you meat." He said, "But maybe you should have something green with it too, you know you _are_ feeding two, now."

"I guess so." Sephiroth sighed. "Go cook dinner."

Zack sighed heavily. "Sure thing, _mommy_."

"Thanks, Zacky!"

Zack mumbled as he left the room, knowing that his role as the housewife was only beginning.

* * *

**Eh, it's short but so what? I'm out of ideas for this chapter xD**

**What'll happen next? Who knows?! XD**

**(this was around the time I was like "hgsdrsddjkghasdjk crisis core cdtrnugasrtukghk bediohwemjtcrnse. Yah. I love this chapter, though, despite that.)**


	11. Seven Months

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 11**

**Seven Months**

At that point, Zack felt suicide had become an option. Not that it really was a plausible one, but yet he felt it was an option. He wasn't sure how it had happened, really, but somehow it had. Zack had become the housewife. Something he never thought he would say.

He never seemed to change out of the apron and the bandana pulling his hair back except for when he slept and that was it. "Zacky!" Someone called. He wished he didn't know who it was.

"Be right there, _Sephy._" He said, irritation evidently present in his voice. He was already trying to cook dinner, wash the dishes, and sweep the kitchen floor. At one time.

"What is it?" He asked, biting his tongue so that he didn't add, "for the millionth time," to the end.

"Oh, nothing." Sephiroth replied. He was seven months now. _Seven months._ Zack felt dizzy just thinking about it. "Just, come here for a second."

"No!" He shouted without meaning to. "I mean, the last time I did that you raped me!"

"It was not 'rape'." Sephiroth replied, saying the word as if it was disgusting. "I didn't nearly go that far."

"It was close!" He accused. "I was half naked… and not my shirt!"

"Okay, okay, I won't take advantage of you this time." He promised.

"I don't trust you!"

"You don't trust me?" Sephiroth whimpered. "But why not, Zacky?"

"Uh, I didn't mean it like that, Sephiroth…" Zack said slowly.

"Oh, so now it's just 'Sephiroth' and not 'Sephy'?" He accused.

Zack wished he really could just commit suicide. "I'm sorry, Sephy, now _why_ did you want me?"

"Dinner is burning."

"What?! Why did you take two hours to say that?!" he shouted, sprinting out the door.

Sephiroth smiled smugly as he rushed about.

Eventually the fire was put out and all that was left was vegetables. "Deal. With. It." Zack said, handing him a bowl of greens.

"Fine." Sephiroth replied, all the while pouting about something Zack had no idea about.

They ate in silence as they normally did, and then Zack did the dishes in silence. Sephiroth, feeling useless, dried them for him and put them away, then went back to bed. "Of course." Zack said, crossing his arms.

"I'm so tired!" he announced when he fell onto the bed at nearly midnight. "I just want to sleep forever."

Sephiroth was reading something but the cover was old and torn and Zack couldn't read it anymore. "Go to bed, then."

"Yeah, right, with you reading and the light on? It's impossible. I'm not a heavy sleeper." He said. "I'm a SOLDIER we have to sleep lightly."

"Fine, fine, I'll turn off the light."

Zack was almost sure he'd heard it wrong. "Wait, you're doing something nice for me?"

"If you don't want me to be nice, I can be mean."

"No, no!" Zack said hurriedly. "You can be nice whenever you feel like it!"

"Goodnight, Zack."

"Nighty-night, Sephy."

"Shut up."

* * *

**Boop. I'unno either, anymore.**

**I hope to finish this POOP soon but who knows?**

**(To Past-Self: DONE. To present self: Why are you talking to your past self?)**


	12. ZAAAAAAACK!

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 12**

**ZAAAAAAACK!**

And so it went on like that for two months. _Two months._ Zack hated his life, really he did. If he were not the father (…?) of a child who was to be expected very soon, he would have long killed himself. Just as he finished tying the noose exactly right, Sephiroth screamed at him. "ZAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Zack threw the noose into the drawer and slammed it closed on the other suicidal devices.

"What, Honey?" He called innocently, walking into the bedroom. "OHMYGOD!" He screeched.

Sephiroth was hyperventilating. "Zack, come here." As soon as the SOLDIER had come close enough he grabbed him by the collar. "IT'S COMING." He hissed.

"No it's not!" Zack shrieked, breaking away from the pregnant man(?). "It's not!"

"IT IS. CALL HOJO."

"Whoa, it really MUST be coming if you want Hojo." Zack replied, then saw the man's expression and took out his cell phone.

"Wait!" Sephiroth said as soon as Hojo had answered. "Never mind."

"WHUT." Zack replied, closing the phone. "Are you kidding?"

"Nope. Now go do something useful."

Zack turned around and began to cry.

"ZAAAAAACK!!!!!" Zack sighed, placing the stake inside a coffin and shoving both in a closet. "IT'S COMING."

Zack dialed Hojo and when the man didn't answer he wasn't surprised. "Okay, he's not answering." He said as he entered the room. He dropped the phone. "Wait, you're not kidding this time are you?"

Sephiroth stared at him and Zack felt himself pale. "No. GET SOMEONE."

"OKAYOKAYOKAY." Zack began to ran around furiously to find any phonebook then he remembered something. He dialed information, "Hello can you give me the number for 911?!"

"Um… 911, you fuckin' tard, yo."

"Wait, Reno?"

"JUST CALL."

"Whoa, what's wrong with you?"

"SEPHIROTH IS GIVING BIRTH."

Zack mulled that over for a few moments. "Really?"

"OHMYGOD." And he hung up. Zack wondered for a few moments until he realized, "Why do I always call Reno?"

"ZAAACK FOR GAIA'S FUCKING SAKE."

"I got it!" Zack yelled back.

"Wait!" Sephiroth laughed. "Just kidding."

Zack strangled him. Okay, wait, the author lied. He was so close to doing it that for a second she was positive that he had. Zack wished that he could, with the intensity of a dragon (whut?). "be a a1`xme4ory./" That is precisely what Zack was thinking at that very moment. That's really what's wrong with him.

"Okay, I'll call you when it's really coming." Sephiroth waved him out of the room and Zack went to find that coffin and stake.

"ZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!"

Zack sighed and looked at his watch. Was he almost done? Oh, maybe not. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!"

"There we go." Zack muttered, kissing the voodoo doll of himself then stabbing a few pins in it for good measure before he put it away. "What?" he asked as he entered the room. "What now?"

"It's coming." Sephiroth stated calmly. "And I mean it."

"Why are you so calm?" Zack asked, rubbing the back of his head.

"I am in so much pain, agony and panic that it reverted back to the calm-persona of myself."

"HOLYSHIT." Zack screamed. "WE HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW OMGOMGWOTJRM."

"I am in so much pain that that just made sense." Sephiroth stated, feeling a bit dizzy.

Zack pulled out his phone and made sure not to dial Reno that time and quickly called Hojo, who, and Zack wished he hadn't, finally picked up. "HI!" An energetic voice answered. "How can I help you, Zacky?!"

"Um, myself?" He vaguely wondered. "Can I talk to… er, Hojo?"

"Okay, sweetie~!" There was shuffling then a pause. "Oh, wait, he's busy."

"With- never mind. Tell him it's urgent. Like, really, totally urgent."

"OH-EMM-GEEZ." The clone replied. "I KNOW! Sephy is finally giving birth, raight?"

"Er, yes. Wait, can I talk to someone who actually knows what's going on?"

"Okay, I'll give the phone to Angeal."

"What, no, give it to Hoj-" Zack face palmed as soon as he realized Angeal(copy) already had the phone. "Angeal-Copy. Give the phone to Hojo."

"Are you tellin' me what to do?!" It shouted at him. "OMGWTFBBW, MAN. I AM UR MENTOZ."

"Wait, Mentoz? FOCUS. Give the phone to Hojo or I will RAPE YOU FOR ONCE."

"Holyshitman." Angeal-Copy said all at once. "You must be srs. Okayz, one sec."

"Oohh.." Zack shuddered. "Please let it be Hojo and not Genes-fuck."

"HI ZACKY." Genesis screamed, yes screamed. "DO YOU WANNA HEAR LOVELESS AGAIN?! THERE ONCE WAS A PONY WHO LIVES IN A RAINBOW. HE SPONTANIOUSLY COMBUSTED. THE END. THAT PONY WAS NAMED GACKT. BREAKIN' THE 4RTH WALLLLLLLLLL~ OKAY HERE'Z HOJO."

"What do you want, Zack, I am _busy._" Hojo hissed.

"I am well aware of that, trust me, but can we please go over there? Wait, what the hell am I saying, you come here, you douche!"

"Fine, fine, I'm bringing my clones with me, though."

"Urk. Fine." Zack sighed, hanging up and turning back to Sephiroth, who was foaming at the mouth. "Wait is he supposed to do that?" Zack contemplated that for a second before someone replied,

"NO YOU MORON." Zack twirled to find himself being molested by the Angeal clone. Hojo was already at Sephiroth's side, tending to him. Zack threw the clone to the floor and turned to find that Zack and Genesis were playing dress up. In Nurses (FEMALE) outfits. Zack threw up a bit in his mouth that day. "Why are they- nevermind." Angeal was dressed in a doctors uniform (THANKGODTHANKGOD) and was trying to figure out what had just happened.

"Zack, you should leave. Angeal, don't you dare follow him." Zack had noticed that too as he tiptoed out of the room. He closed the door and heard the screaming commence.

Zack had nightmares for the rest of his life thanks to that day. The screaming never stopped, not once, and after a while he wasn't sure whose it was; Zack-Clones, Genesis-Clones, Angeal-Clones, Hojo (?) Or Sephiroth's anymore. They all melded together. Yet he was positive half of them were false. Or at least not from pain. What he was sure of, though, at least two people were doing something very inappropriate somewhere near the door. He hoped Sephiroth was unconscious. Then he wouldn't suffer from nightmares like Zack would.

"IT'S BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN."

"PORN?!"

"BORN YOU IDIOT."

Was the first thing Zack heard that wasn't crying or screaming. Or something else. Zack shuddered. "Is it okay to come in?"

"NOOOOOOOOOO." Someone shouted and Zack jumped.

"Why?!"

"I'M NAKED."

"Whut?" Zack asked. "Wait, who is that, anyway?"

"Not Zack-Clone." And "Not Angeal-Clone." Said both at once.

"OKAAAY. I've seen myself naked plenty of times so I think I can handle myself but Angeal? Come on, it was bad enough when he was CLOTHED."

"Okay, I'm dressed!" Angeal announced. Zack didn't believe it.

"Really?"

"…mebbe."

"Really?"

"I am now."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"THAT'S IT I'M COMING IN ALREADY-DAMNIT." Zack announced angrily throwing the door open and instantly regretting it. "Oh my Gaia."

Angeal-Clone wasn't clothed, of course, Zack thought bitterly. "IF YOU TOUCH ME-" Zack threatened, reaching for the buster sword in the corner. "I will take something precious from you."

Zack-Clone whimpered. "Noo, don't~!" He yelped. Zack wondered when he had become the uke for a second before he turned back to Angeal.

"Fine, I'll become clothed." He said, and then, he was wearing pants.

"WHAT THE HECK." Zack swore, then returned his attention to Sephiroth. "Sephy!"

The man looked like he'd been to hell and back, then back to hell and then back again. Zack had yet to see him in worse shape. "You look horrible." He stated, obviously only to annoy the man.

"You look worse." Sephiroth moaned. He was trying to regain his breath, still.

Zack looked to Hojo who was holding the child. It was… adorable. "Hand him over." Zack demanded and Hojo didn't budge. "I will cut you down. Hand it over."

"It's a boy, thank you." Hojo said, handing the child to the "trustworthy" SOLDIER.

Zack looked like a wonderful father holding his child, but only for a few seconds. "So what'll we name it?"

"You guys didn't discuss it?" Hojo asked, raising an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Shut up, Howard Johnson."

Hojo said, "That's not my name." Then began to hum an annoying song as he gathered up everyone and merrily left.

Zack sat on the chair beside Sephiroth and sighed heavily. "I wonder…" He said quietly. "If Rufus will find out anytime soon."

"Why?" Sephiroth wondered, his brain nearly non-functional.

"Oh… no reason." Zack replied. "You wanna hold him?"

* * *

**WHAT IS ZACK THINKING? (no, it's not Tacos.)**

**About Kittens. No, wait, that was Sephiroth in the middle of se-child birth.**

**INSIDEJOKEALERT.**

**Anywho, next chapter is the last, most likely. BTW the name will be poop. **

"**I DECLARE IT SO." Xemnas announced. Wait, WHAT? I give up.**

**(Erm, just ignore this. PLZ. When did Xemnas get here...?)**


	13. Enter Denzel The End

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Chapter 13**

**Enter Denzel - The End**

"I want him to be named NOOPY." A voice declared boldly. "PLEASE?!"

"What? No. Not on your life as a SOLDIER."

"…I can quit SOLDIER."

"NO." Sephiroth slapped the man upside the head with his free hand, causing the child to giggle uncontrollably. "Aww, he obviously takes after me. Wanna Zack in more pain?" Sephiroth cooed, hitting Zack again. The child laughed again and Sephiroth giggled too.

Zack took a step away and continued their argument. "Fine, hows about Roy? Riza? Edward? Alphonse? Kamui? Sora? Riku? Demyx? Axel? Alex? TREBEK?"

"X 2 Die." Sephiroth replied.

"Whut?"

"Nothing."

"So, Minamimoto? Neku? Yoshiya? Shiki? Joshua? Kurogane? Fai? Fay? Fye? Fey? Diego? Godot? Phoenix? Edgeworth? Miles? Franziska? Renji? Ichigo? Shuuhei? Zaraki? Kenpachi? Grimmjow? Yachiru? Nell? Nnoitra? Aizen? Sosuke? Ulquiorra? Tamaki? Kyouya? Honey? Mori? Uke? Seme? Seme-"

"FOR THE LAST TIME NO TO ALL OF THOSE BLATANT REFERENCES TO OTHER SERIES THE AUTHOR LIKES." Sephiroth shouted and the child laughed. "Aww, it loves me best."

"Just pick a name, then!" Zack said and the baby began to cry. "I hate my life." Zack sobbed and the child began to laugh. "Arrrghh…"

"Denzel."

"Washington?"

"What?"

"Nothing. But why Denzel? It SUCKS." Zack said and instantly regretted it. Sephiroth gave him the Patented Glare 1834784578923 ™ (and there are only 13 in existence.) Zack's eyes inverted from seeing it. "Never mind, it's awesome-sauce."

"…That's what I thought, honey!"Sephiroth laughed and skipped off onto a rainbow with a unicorn following him. Zack rubbed his inverted eyes and realized the man had only gone off to the living room.

"Wait, let's show him my secret-channel!"

"Patented Glare Number 10 ™." Sephiroth replied and Zack froze. He hadn't even seen it. No, simply the name would suffice.

"Okay, let's watch something educational like the Discovery Channel." Zack immediately broke out into song before Sephiroth sliced him in half with the TV antenna. Zack woke up to find that it had all been a bad dream. Just kidding. He's really stuck with the memory of all this for the rest of his life.

"Now sit down." Sephiroth commanded. Zack obeyed like a puppy on a short leash. Just then there was a knock at the door and Zack flipped out, like a puppy, and ran in circles barking. Sephiroth squirted him with some water, laughed with Denzel, then went to the door.

"Hai gaiz!" Rufus announced as he entered the house. "Whats uppp?"

"Are you high?"

"No, drunk, but close."

"Get out, you're a bad influence."

"On who?"

Sephiroth stared at the child in his arms. "Guess."

"Reeve?"

"What!?"

"Never mind. I'll be right back." Two minutes later sane Rufus returned.

Sephiroth blinked. "Whut?"

"Thanks for everything you've done, Sephiroth." Rufus said. "And now for our agreement…"

"…" Sephiroth did not reply. "No."

"What?" Rufus laughed. "I heard you wrong. What did you say?"

"_I_, meaning _Sephiroth_, will not hand over my child to the likes of you. In fact, I, meaning Sephiroth, _will_ in fact keep our agreement, but Denzel was born approximately two weeks early and therefore I feel that it is indeed within the limits of our deal to keep him until then."

"When did you become a lawyer?" Rufus wondered then sighed in defeat. "Fine. In exactly two weeks, I will return. 'Denzel' will be gone. End of story, understand?"

"Yes. Now get the fuck out." Sephiroth slammed the door in his face then laughed uncontrollably for a few minutes. "Sucker."

Zack laughed behind him. "Aww, you're so cute when you're scheming."

"I know." Sephiroth replied. "Now hold Denzel while I threaten Hojo."

Zack swallowed hard and took Denzel into the living room for secret-channel watching time. "IF YOU ARE WATCHING THAT CHANNEL-" Sephiroth shouted from the kitchen. Zack changed the channel, promptly realized it was on 189 then changed it to something kid friendly. "What did I just hear in there?" Sephiroth asked.

"Nothing." Zack said casually, swearing quietly. Denzel was still laughing as Zack was reprimanded. "Why do you hate me?" Zack asked the kid, who proceeded to throw up on him."I fuc-dging hate my life." He corrected like a train-wreck. "Really. A lot."

"The deed is done." Zack coldly told Rufus as he opened the door. "Are you happy?" He asked, without any emotion whatsoever.

"Yes. Now get back to work."

Zack mutely nodded. "We… chose the parents ourselves, you know. They work for Shin-Ra, by the way."

"That's nice."

A grin spread across Zack's lips. "I think you know them well…"

* * *

"Cloud." Zack yawned loudly. "I'm bored."

The blond man sighed heavily. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"I'unno, Sephiroth locked himself up in that weird mansion and so I can't do- talk to him." Zack cringed at that. Cloud laughed. "So… on a serious note… you wanna know something interesting?"

"Not if it involves Sephiroth."

"No, I don't mean _that_ kind of interesting, like that one time I was describing Angeal, I mean the _other_ kind of interesting. Like, seriously, you wanna hear this." Zack said, chuckling at the stupid Angeal thing.

Cloud sighed heavily again. He did that a lot around Zack. "I guess, what is it?"

"I have a child. His name is… Denzel..."

* * *

**THE END. Well, mostly. EPAILOGUE TIMEZ next time. It won't suck, don't worry. Not like Harry Potter (of which I have never even read) it will be g00d.**

**That's it. SORREH FOR THE SRSNISSITY. Oh, and I'll give you 10 bucks if you can guess who Denzel's parents are (TRICKQUESTION.) Actually, in the thing that comes with the 2 Disk Special Edition or whatever version of AC it says they were scientists. So, just make up someone who Rufus hates or something, mmkay?**


	14. Epilogue

**Maternity Leave - SOLDIER Style**

**Epilogue**

Cloud smiled, watching Marlene harassing Vincent to tie his hair up with ribbons while Denzel smiled broadly at the other man's pain. At that time something made him remember what Zack had once told him.

_He loves to hate me. I think it's my hair. Long and black. It annoys him. I don't know why, he just hates it. He sure does love silver-hair. And blondes, for that matter._

"Hey, Denzel." Cloud said, smiling lightly at the kid. "Come here, I've got something to tell you."

"What?" Denzel asked, his full attention hooked on Cloud. He idolized the man and Cloud couldn't figure out why. Unless the blond hair thing somehow came into play. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything is fine. But do you know who your parents are?" Cloud asked. "Really know?"

"Sure." Denzel replied, looking only a twinge sorrowful. "But why?"

"Well, I think there's something I should tell you. But I don't know if you want to hear it yet. You're kinda young."

"Hey! I wanna know! I'm not a kid anymore, Cloud." Denzel announced, placing his hands on his hips and otherwise trying to look courageous. Familiar, is what that looked like to Cloud.

"Alright. I knew a SOLDIER named Zack Fair, once…"

* * *

**... Yeah, I have nothing else to say except I hoped you enjoyed. (and if you didn't... (holds up Masamune) Wait, the main character of Otomen?! I WANTED THE SWORD, NOT YOU. (BTW read Otomen. NAO.)**


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